I have a neighbor who is obsessed with me being pregnant.
Which I'm not.
Which, I have not even discussed with her the possibility of such a thing happening in the near future, except for that time last week when she came up behind me at her son's birthday party, stuck her face over my right shoulder and said point blank, "So when are you going to get pregnant again?" and my answer was, "It will happen when it happens," by which, of course, I meant, "This is none of your business. I do not wish to discuss it with you" and which of course she interpreted as, "Emily is taking no action to prevent pregnancy."
So today, she sees me get out of my car wearing workout clothes. She crosses my yard and says, "Exercising, huh? Trying to get in shape before the stress of the baby?"
"Um, what?" I ask. " What baby?"
"My husband and I have been trying to guess if you're pregnant. I have been wrong a few times before, but he can always tell. It must be the glow."
"If I'm pregnant??"
Big smile. "Are you?"
"No. I'm not pregnant. What made you think that?"
"You told me you weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant."
"No, I never said anything like that."
"You said, 'It will happen when it happens.'"
"Ahh. I see. Well, I'm not pregnant and I'm not trying to get pregnant," I answer, by which, of course, I mean, "This is none of your business. I do not wish to discuss this with you."
Stay tuned for more inappropriate and invasive neighborly inquiries that are sure to follow. She never lets me down in that department.